Telling myself I’ve never been

this low

But it gets deeper and deeper

And I no longer know if it is myself

Or life holding the shovel

I’m in desperate need to ask

A 60 year old how they’ve made

it so far

Because right now I just can’t

Deal with one more day.

And why can’t I even ask my parents?

And why does everyone

walk around

Okay with dying?

So many are okay

with mundane gratifications and

Underwhelming goals that they can’t admit to themselves.

But then here I am..

no where near my goal

Are they also stuck?

Or is it nihilism?

What is the point of investing

In all you’ve ever wanted

if at the end

It is the right now

that outweighs the future?

And that makes my heart ache

Because the people

that have left me

And the people I’m struggling

to let go of

Are choices that fill me

with a piercing regret

Because we can have each other

in this life

Right now

But who knows in another life

And that price I can’t bear

Can you?

Oh but pride

But ego

But our narritives

But our fuckin trauma

It screams no

It keeps telling us to hell with them

Then we forgive

Then we realize we are just human

Then we reach out

Then we regret the decision

Because they don’t think like this

And we are back to square one

Is it nihilism

Or are they stuck?

I want to give in so bad

But life is screaming for me to live

The courage to keep bandage

Of this exposed wound