I don’t want to pretend anymore

i keep cheating and lying to myself

i did it again and agiain.

overindulging

in substances

in love’s

illusions

regret

always beating myself up

doing so great until i let it back in

im trying hard to swim back up to sea

but i can’t seem

to see

anything that resembles

the old me.

why isn’t there enough discipline in me

like before?

I feel like i used to have a grip in life

so young but mature

i feel ashamed with how i view life now

how quick i am to anger

how hurt my feelings get

i hate it

and i dont understand what happened to me

everywhere i look and everywhere i go

i get such an emptiness in my chest

i can never seem to sit in peace

but whatever the hell i feel when i am in nature

alone, and it is calm, that doesn’t feel

like peace

it feels like im in pieces

but i get this calling to do this over and over

and over again

I cant tell you how many times

i sat in the middle of a field of grass

just myself

some beer just in case

some weed just in case

and wept

and wept

until it all filtered out.