Have I reached healing?

When I no longer want just anyone

When I have given up on relationships

When I have become accustomed to

Being alone

I’ve forgotten the touch of a woman

The love of a woman

Everything has become

A field of memories

All is here, right now

And right now

There is no room for the past

I’ve exhausted the what ifs

I’ve outplayed the awful moments

And I’ve wept over the beautiful ones

The numbing of alcohol was wearing off

Too quickly

I used it all up

At home

With family

At work

With friends

At festivals

With nobody

It was sudden

There wasn’t a hint of it happening soon but

Nothing satisfied me anymore

Nothing could block the pain anymore

I drove home from work

And all that was within

Slowly

Like a flower blooming

Came out

I saw everything and its stillness

The contours of the hills

The clouds in the sky

And I felt such a tenderness in my heart

Like I finally held it in my own hands

And I wept

Everything I was blocking and angry about

I wept for

Those who broke my heart

My denial that I missed their

Touch, smell, laugh..

my pride was gone

I knew that here I wasn’t weeping

Over what was lost

I was weeping because I finally

Accepted that I was keeping it alive

And I was creating turbulence to

All the stillness in front of me

I’ve lost myself along the way

I stopped taking care of myself

and I couldn’t imagine anyone

Liking anything about me.

I hope I don’t go back there

I don’t even know what there was

But I know that it exists

I don’t have answers to what’s next

I never thought healing would be like this

It’s never ending

And if I could put it into words I’d say

Healing is never ending because

It is the process of dealing and feeling

With emotions and memories

As they come up

And they will always come up.

This is the lie we all tell ourselves:

“I’m already healed.”

And it isn’t until I accepted this that

My heart truly began to heal

For once in my life I genuinely feel

Okay being alone

I get lonely, and I will always want a partner

But never will I force it again

And until I meet someone who can

Level with me on this mindset

Who is mature

And who is hungry for a love like mine

Then I’m okay seeking love within myself

And bettering myself.