I never thought I would end up here in life

disillusioned to the point that I can no longer remember

which ego I was trying to dissolve

or which passion I was trying to live

each piece of advice

each checking in from a friend

every other chance at love I give

keeps feeling like a resistance to this flow of life

all of it doesn’t feel familiar

so I don’t relapse to the past

but at the same time

all of it doesn’t feel authentic

and so I stay in it

the longer i stay, the longer I begin to feel the depths

of impermanence

it used to feel like years to have the understanding of it

but now

it feels like seconds

so when someone tells me something

like a piece of advice or a passion of some sort

or when I say something similar

i don’t believe in it and i don’t feel they are truthful

because as soon as it is spoken it is gone

and I’ve witnessed the next day they or I do the opposite of it

and I go into this space of emotionless

and I abandon the hope of what is to come of believing

it is not pessimism and it is not existentialism

it is based off the work i’ve done within myself

and the countless faith i’ve had in many

and I have found out without me wanting to

that my way of feeling and thinking on life

was right years ago

when people said ‘no you’re wrong, this is the right way’

or ‘this is how it should be’

those same people now come to me at my most

aimless and unbelieving self

asking for guidance or for help… or is it understanding?

but I am sucked dry

I have nothing left

I gave it all away to that old self

to you all

and now I sit here seeking and only finding

in nature

or in vices

sometimes together

that none of us will ever know what life is

so i slowly try to detox the thoughts and feelings

that any one of us knows the path of life

and i try to not get too deep into the unknown

because one can make their home there and never come out

all this to say

that my philosophy if I can ever conjure one is

to always pray to God

and to never try to play God in life