Just Keep Writing

Have I reached healing?

When I no longer want just anyone

When I have given up on relationships

When I have become accustomed to

Being alone

I’ve forgotten the touch of a woman

The love of a woman

Everything has become

A field of memories

All is here, right now

And right now

There is no room for the past

I’ve exhausted the what ifs

I’ve outplayed the awful moments

And I’ve wept over the beautiful ones

The numbing of alcohol was wearing off

Too quickly

I used it all up

At home

With family

At work

With friends

At festivals

With nobody

It was sudden

There wasn’t a hint of it happening soon but

Nothing satisfied me anymore

Nothing could block the pain anymore

I drove home from work

And all that was within

Slowly

Like a flower blooming

Came out

I saw everything and its stillness

The contours of the hills

The clouds in the sky

And I felt such a tenderness in my heart

Like I finally held it in my own hands

And I wept

Everything I was blocking and angry about

I wept for

Those who broke my heart

My denial that I missed their

Touch, smell, laugh..

my pride was gone

I knew that here I wasn’t weeping

Over what was lost

I was weeping because I finally

Accepted that I was keeping it alive

And I was creating turbulence to

All the stillness in front of me

I’ve lost myself along the way

I stopped taking care of myself

and I couldn’t imagine anyone

Liking anything about me.

I hope I don’t go back there

I don’t even know what there was

But I know that it exists

I don’t have answers to what’s next

I never thought healing would be like this

It’s never ending

And if I could put it into words I’d say

Healing is never ending because

It is the process of dealing and feeling

With emotions and memories

As they come up

And they will always come up.

This is the lie we all tell ourselves:

“I’m already healed.”

And it isn’t until I accepted this that

My heart truly began to heal

For once in my life I genuinely feel

Okay being alone

I get lonely, and I will always want a partner

But never will I force it again

And until I meet someone who can

Level with me on this mindset

Who is mature

And who is hungry for a love like mine

Then I’m okay seeking love within myself

And bettering myself.

At first it’s frustration

its searching for answers

for meaning

asking questions to the world

why this

why that

why me

then you keep asking

and you search places

you never thought you would

then you go deep within yourself

and you ask deeper questions

of your existence

questions like

who am i

why do i think this way

why did they do this to me and

Why can’t i can’t let go of it

why is life so unfair

why me

why doesn’t anybody love me

why do i always self sabotage

what happened to the old me

the endless tape in our minds

But then

something in us changes

we enter this new world

filled with a labyrinth of questions

And after this

we can no longer unsee this world

we think we might be going

a little insane

until we encounter

another one of us in this world

and that’s what it truly is

a new world for us

now the old us

feels like old skin fading away

we view others

and in our new lenses

we see them unaware

of themselves

Aimless

or even trapped

because of this new world

I feel detached from everyone

Here, there is an understanding

that feels like a hole

alienation at its finest

countless times ive tried

to explain this

and only a few understand

but this feeling you get when you encounter this new world

its overwhelming

and it feels superhuman

like you’ve awakened

and you begin to see

others differnetly

how they carry themselves

what emotions consume them

Feels so pinpoint that its a job

not to analyze

its exhausting

and so im more lonely

than i was before

because i feel and see too much

and i am always in the move

because if i stay too long anywhere

this deep understanding overwhelms me

like i said im new to this world

sometimes im a homebody to it

other times im a nomad in it…

sounds familiar..

like reincarnation.

Sometimes I know exactly what it is

To the point that I can remember

The exact memory of the day

The feeling that morning 

Like something just wasn’t right 

You came home drunk 

You loved the night life 

I did too

But never in a relationship 

You in bed recovering

While I’m in the kitchen 

The tv playing a premier league game 

Feeding the dogs

Then I hear a buzz 

Then I see it’s your Apple Watch

The one I gifted you 

A message from a number I don’t know 

My heart and hands tremble 

I take your phone 

I look through and find enough 

I’m scared to look further 

I felt like a bitch 

I felt like I betrayed myself 

I felt my heart shatter and to this day

There are pieces that were left 

In that same floor of that same morning 

In that same memory 

In that same closet that’s locked up 

But sometimes I don’t know what it is 

That’s wrong with me 

Because there are so many of these

Memories 

That I’ve left buried 

D

E

E

P

D

E

E

P

D

O

W

N

This

dark place

my heart

resides in. 

I don’t want to pretend anymore

i keep cheating and lying to myself

i did it again and agiain.

overindulging

in substances

in love’s

illusions

regret

always beating myself up

doing so great until i let it back in

im trying hard to swim back up to sea

but i can’t seem

to see

anything that resembles

the old me.

why isn’t there enough discipline in me

like before?

I feel like i used to have a grip in life

so young but mature

i feel ashamed with how i view life now

how quick i am to anger

how hurt my feelings get

i hate it

and i dont understand what happened to me

everywhere i look and everywhere i go

i get such an emptiness in my chest

i can never seem to sit in peace

but whatever the hell i feel when i am in nature

alone, and it is calm, that doesn’t feel

like peace

it feels like im in pieces

but i get this calling to do this over and over

and over again

I cant tell you how many times

i sat in the middle of a field of grass

just myself

some beer just in case

some weed just in case

and wept

and wept

until it all filtered out.