Just Keep Writing

[Chorus]

I keep wanting to go back

back to how things used to be.

Before we’d blame reality, but now

now I blame you.

[Verse 1]

Time seems to be stretching out its wings

I need more of it, but without the pain

Days seem long and meaningless because tomorrow

nothing’s going to change

The streets filled with masks and angst

our insides overflowing with self-inflicted wounds and disillusions

[Chorus]

I keep wanting to go back

back to how things used to be.

Before we’d blame reality, but now

now I blame you.

[Verse 2]

And if I can just tell you how nights are under this pandemic

we would never finish

Unable to articulate these feelings we’d have,

we would drink or get high instead

And if I can put it simple

I am not sad, life is sad.

[Outro]

We’re all wanting to go back

back to how things were

Lately I’ve been thinking about how difficult it is to love
someone else, but how much harder it is to love yourself
ask yourself this: How much time did you invest on your last or current
significant other? Have you spent even half of that energy on yourself?

This reminds me of a conversation I had with someone about therapy. He told me
that we need to consistently tell ourselves that there is a real person living in us
that has been neglected and forgotten. That person is you, but he hasn’t grown and is a child-like version of you.
and just like one takes care of their son with love and care we need to nourish them with it
instead of feeding it bad habits or constant abuse.

Has it been a while since you’ve told yourself that its alright to feel
the way they ripped your heart out?
Have you ever acknowledged that you kept medicating your broken heart
when all it really needed was to be picked up off the floor? Each piece on the floor
like a crowded garage that never got swept. People would step on it too with their constant
questions that would remind you of the person responsible for this mess. Disillusioned and
numb, you would continue on the viscious cycle of finding healing in the wrong places.

It might feel like there is not enough time in the world for healing. Especially when its so difficult
to spend time alone with yourself. It’s ugly feeling this way, but this is a part of the process.
when one thinks of healing we often think of the end, yet there is a lot of pain during and after. Like a broken bone
you need medication to get through, you need support, and you need to understand that you will always carry
a portion of that pain with you. That’s healing, keep going.

I need to write and describe just how dangerous depression is
it has many colors and shapes that often blinds
everyones belief that they understand what it is.

you see, depressions isn’t always a monster. depression can be a place of comfort
and solitude, which makes it seem as though we are safe. Even further, this place can
easily become our safe place where we often run towards when conflict occurs.

wake up wishing you wouldn’t.
listening to sad songs all day to somehow ease your skyrocketing emotions.
hardly noticing that you’re hungry, and you don’t care what goes in you just as long as the feeling of hunger disappears.
attempting to do something productive in order to justify how occupied your head is in how low you are feeling.
hoping nobody notices, but it’s crystal clear to observers.
then, you realize that after work, or wherever you are, that the place you are returning to is your home

but you don’t want to go home

you understand very well that once you get home you have completed this cycle of depression once more.

here we go,

A few beers down with music until my thoughts shut up and I drift off into sleep.

10/29/20

1.
Don’t be scared of dipping your toes
into the dark, cold water
the sun will come up eventually and then the water
along with your battles
will no longer shiver.

2.
My English Pointer
an old friend driving 7 hours to see me
beers and seltzers
old friend meeting new friends
a couple prerolls
tons of smiles
a little sadness
my divorce papers arriving
and
work.

3.
you put a new lens on me
not just that but you took my damaged ones off so delicately
without saying a word
you showed me a new color
the color reminds me of a sunset thats not yet red, but a soft
orange
you peeled layers out of me and I let you. I’m sorry if a few
were not what you were expecting
but the color was enough to shed light into what can be
although right now distance and time aren’t as accomodating

4.
I write these poems out of necessity right now. the divorce papers
sit right next to me all in Japanese. A simple sticky note labeled
“sign here” was all that stood out. The envolope it came in has two
new addresses (yours and mine).

Did it hurt when you wrote it down or
was it easy and satisfying? Was anyone with you and I wonder who you have told.

I should return these papers right now, but I just need a few more
drinks until I arrive at the postal annex
and then leave for work.

5. 
   It happens rapidly and consecutively . I get locked into my thoughts
   of what’s happening. I feel sadness, anger, and then
   I look outside and see birds flying in a blanket of blue. That is when I realize
   life moves forward with or without me.