Sometimes I know exactly what it is

To the point that I can remember

The exact memory of the day

The feeling that morning 

Like something just wasn’t right 

You came home drunk 

You loved the night life 

I did too

But never in a relationship 

You in bed recovering

While I’m in the kitchen 

The tv playing a premier league game 

Feeding the dogs

Then I hear a buzz 

Then I see it’s your Apple Watch

The one I gifted you 

A message from a number I don’t know 

My heart and hands tremble 

I take your phone 

I look through and find enough 

I’m scared to look further 

I felt like a bitch 

I felt like I betrayed myself 

I felt my heart shatter and to this day

There are pieces that were left 

In that same floor of that same morning 

In that same memory 

In that same closet that’s locked up 

But sometimes I don’t know what it is 

That’s wrong with me 

Because there are so many of these

Memories 

That I’ve left buried 

D

E

E

P

D

E

E

P

D

O

W

N

This

dark place

my heart

resides in. 

I don’t want to pretend anymore

i keep cheating and lying to myself

i did it again and agiain.

overindulging

in substances

in love’s

illusions

regret

always beating myself up

doing so great until i let it back in

im trying hard to swim back up to sea

but i can’t seem

to see

anything that resembles

the old me.

why isn’t there enough discipline in me

like before?

I feel like i used to have a grip in life

so young but mature

i feel ashamed with how i view life now

how quick i am to anger

how hurt my feelings get

i hate it

and i dont understand what happened to me

everywhere i look and everywhere i go

i get such an emptiness in my chest

i can never seem to sit in peace

but whatever the hell i feel when i am in nature

alone, and it is calm, that doesn’t feel

like peace

it feels like im in pieces

but i get this calling to do this over and over

and over again

I cant tell you how many times

i sat in the middle of a field of grass

just myself

some beer just in case

some weed just in case

and wept

and wept

until it all filtered out.

how long its been since my fingertips have touched a keyboard

how badly ive strayed from myself

i know longer remember what i used to look up to

or for what

or why i never thought about life so constraining

i feel so trapped in this everyday loop

trying to ignite a love life

trying to tell myself that this career path is good enough

barely making ends meet

seeing my dog get old

seeing my parents grow old

regretting all my past

comparing to an old life

comparing to others

its impossible not to

its why we cant find any gratitude in life

only when i escape

as i always tend to

does this storm calm

another drink

another inhale of nicotine

and when life isn’t so turbulent

all the flower this vessel can take.