I love this change

After that heavy summer 

Nothing beats driving windows down 

A cold breeze hitting my warm face

Down a lonely, long street

Bronze leaves falling seamlessly

A leaf falls on my lap 

And aren’t the best things in our lives

Like this

When one doesn’t even expect it 

I keep it and I begin 

To laugh about the coincidence 

Of how it chose me 

Of how I could’ve been in a different street

I put it on top of my dashboard 

And smiled at it 

Then I thought

Wouldn’t it die if I left it here without sunshine 

I suddenly felt like I was trapping it 

Like it should be outside 

I should leave it be with the other leaves

Finally I snap out of it 

And the next day I look at it again 

On my dashboard 

And I realized how much care 

I can have and I kept thinking 

About how if I really cared about it

I shouldn’t have trapped it in my car

And I thought of all other things 

And people who are now memories

Did I care about them this way? 

How foolish I felt 

That caring about someone is twofold 

The thought of caring 

And showing it 

I live in my head so much 

That I’ve acted out hundreds of acts of care

But out here 

Where the leaf should be 

I hardly stepped a foot on 

Why am I scared 

Of the satisfaction of leaves crunching 

On the ground

I remember looking into your eyes

And seeing all my tomorrows

All my vacations

All of my ambitions

Yes, I remember

The image of your eyes glistening

But now in my head all i see in those eyes

Are memories- awful memories.

And I see a tear falling

All our failures inside it

The tear gently falling down your cheek

Like my hands used to

Then it free falls from your chin

Down to the cold floor and I swear

I could hear the echo still

It reminds me of the well I fell into

After you and I parted ways

So hollow with a labyrinth of terrible choices

What hope someone can bring you

Isn’t it funny that we always

blame the other when a coin holds two sides?

My favorite memory:

You and I smashing my guitar in my living room

My worst memory:

You and I smashing our emotions in my living room

Outside the leaves sway dancing with the wind

but as I close my eyes

my thoughts crash

into its four walls

novice thoughts meeting old, traumatic ones

I fight and I fight them until I drift off into sleep.

Suddenly I am back in my hometown- Pacifca.

It’s a cold, foggy afternoon

and I am running along the beach like a seasoned

marathon runner.

Then I run past a huge whale

on the shore

I begin to run faster and faster

Not understanding why

until I’m at a full sprint

I can hear waves crashing

behind me

I couldn’t look back

as fear plagued my mind

I kept running and looked down

and saw my naked feet

I looked up and at the end is a treasure chest

I don’t feel any attachment to it

Waking up confused from my dreams

The urge to drink already

The only way to escape from this reality

Have I reached healing?

When I no longer want just anyone

When I have given up on relationships

When I have become accustomed to

Being alone

I’ve forgotten the touch of a woman

The love of a woman

Everything has become

A field of memories

All is here, right now

And right now

There is no room for the past

I’ve exhausted the what ifs

I’ve outplayed the awful moments

And I’ve wept over the beautiful ones

The numbing of alcohol was wearing off

Too quickly

I used it all up

At home

With family

At work

With friends

At festivals

With nobody

It was sudden

There wasn’t a hint of it happening soon but

Nothing satisfied me anymore

Nothing could block the pain anymore

I drove home from work

And all that was within

Slowly

Like a flower blooming

Came out

I saw everything and its stillness

The contours of the hills

The clouds in the sky

And I felt such a tenderness in my heart

Like I finally held it in my own hands

And I wept

Everything I was blocking and angry about

I wept for

Those who broke my heart

My denial that I missed their

Touch, smell, laugh..

my pride was gone

I knew that here I wasn’t weeping

Over what was lost

I was weeping because I finally

Accepted that I was keeping it alive

And I was creating turbulence to

All the stillness in front of me

I’ve lost myself along the way

I stopped taking care of myself

and I couldn’t imagine anyone

Liking anything about me.

I hope I don’t go back there

I don’t even know what there was

But I know that it exists

I don’t have answers to what’s next

I never thought healing would be like this

It’s never ending

And if I could put it into words I’d say

Healing is never ending because

It is the process of dealing and feeling

With emotions and memories

As they come up

And they will always come up.

This is the lie we all tell ourselves:

“I’m already healed.”

And it isn’t until I accepted this that

My heart truly began to heal

For once in my life I genuinely feel

Okay being alone

I get lonely, and I will always want a partner

But never will I force it again

And until I meet someone who can

Level with me on this mindset

Who is mature

And who is hungry for a love like mine

Then I’m okay seeking love within myself

And bettering myself.